Friday, November 5, 2010

what pain does

Well its been a rough few days internally. I haven't felt so well and pain really pushes me into myself at times. I feel alone at times and not the kind of alone where someone sits next to you and you aren't alone but the kind where 3 people could be sitting with you and you feel alone. The kind of pain where alot of parts hurt, joint pain, neck, shoulder, belly hurts deep inside and i feel nauseated and all i can do is cry.  Then i take medication that makes me feel loopy and tired and unlike myself - but really this is me right now and even though I am hoping and praying that I will get better than I am.....Its hard to know these days. I fall asleep sitting up while typing this much - three times. I do my best to accept me the way that I am but its hard at times when the people around me seem to be upset and frustrated with who I am and I am working so hard but its hard and I am doing my best not to be negative....some days that is hard . Some days I wish I had my best friend and babies to just climb in bed with or go to walmart with and feel loved just the way I am. Instead I close my eyes and remember or give them a call :) Being understood is important to me....and right now it seems harder to understand. But tomorrow is a new day, with all new possibilities and for that I am greatful. I started this post the other day when it was a HARD day but today as I am typing I have less pain - I had lidocaine yesterday and today and even though it numbs me sometimes that is what is needed to get threw the hard days and change my perception of the pain and my demeaner and get me smiling again. I am VERY blessed in spite of everything....I have a wonderful husband, bestfriend, room mate and friends and family. They are what keep me going. They are what help keep me smiling. They keep me feeling loved. I wouldn't take back all that I have gone threw....its made me - ME. The hard part is accepting me now and letting go of who I used to be and making that ok with me (and everyone else for that matter). I am a moving target day to day and I never know what I am going to get - which is why I hold on tight to things that are scheduled or consistant. Well off to get something to eat - rice krispies here I come...meal of champianss LOL.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Bee....I am right always. And I do love you JUST the WAY YOU ARE!! RIGHT NOW...not 2 yrs or 5yrs ago or 10 even! Today.....exactly how you are. Puffy, tired, drug hazed, confused and teary eyed. I love THAT Bee. Cause fuzzy, buzzy costume and're still you in there.